I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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