Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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