i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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