I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
