i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize