You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
