Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
