I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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