Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
