omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize