Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
