I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Randomize
