There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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