I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I forgot wine drunk hurts
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
