i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
