she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
