ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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