I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
