ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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