It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
