Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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