I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Randomize
