Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
