there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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