I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
