I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
