he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
