all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I think a kid would responsible me up
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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