no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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