My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
