Why are handjobs necessary in class?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
