seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize