My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize