The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
