My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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