Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
