i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize