He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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