His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
