I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
