Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
