I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Even the bartender felt bad for me
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
