that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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