dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
