hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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