Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Little spoons don't ask big questions
home. puking in laundry basket.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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