So drunk its hurt
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
