Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
