My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
