And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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