im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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