Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
