I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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