I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
