I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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