I am puke
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
