also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
