i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
