For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
