sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
