Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
