Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
