i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
