if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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